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July 20, 2004

Dick Cheney vs John Edwards

Still not sure why Google news doesn't apply the "satire" label to News Max, but here is an excerpt from another site, proud to admit it's sense of humor:

DEBATES
John Edwards Versus Dick Cheney: A Look Ahead to the Vice-Presidential Debate

Moderator: Welcome to the vice-presidential debate between John Edwards and Dick Cheney. Here at last is a chance for each candidate to enlighten us regarding his position on the issues that confront our nation. In consideration of the miniscule chance the Democrats actually have of winning the election, we will let Mr Edwards go first.

John Edwards: My Fellow Americans, as you know I have always tried to bring a positive approach to campaigning. That is why you won't hear me calling my opponent a sleazy money-grubbing slimeball whose principle concern in life has been to line his own pockets along with those of his cronies. You won't see me portraying Dick Cheney as an oily, avaricious dirtbag propping up an illegitimately elected government with a moron at the top. Nor will I ever refer the other side as a callous, reprehensible, senseless administration and a genuine travesty of democratic ideals.

Dick Cheney: Sc**w you, Edwards, you w**ker!

Moderator: Thank you Mr Cheney. Your rebuttal Mr. Edwards.

Edwards: As you can see the difference between us is clear. I would never stoop to the level of Mr. Cheney by telling him to perform an anatomically challenging act in front of the entire nation. Senator Kerry and I are above asking my bald, bespectacled friend and that monkey who serves as his boss to shove their backwards, Stone-Age agenda up an undisclosed locations. As Democrats we would not deign to malign the character of the incompetent clowns who have been claiming to serve as our government for the past four years.

Moderator: Thank you very much Mr. Edwards. Vice President Cheney, your turn.

Cheney: Stick it up your @$$, Edwards, you c**ks**ker!

Moderator: Thank you, Mr Cheney. Gentlemen, it is now time for your closing remarks.

Edwards: Thank you, in closing and in keeping with my upbeat message, I want to refrain from deriding the disastrous accomplishments of this amateur and inept administration. It would not serve our countries best interests for me to describe the Republicans as greedy, rapacious warmongers set on destroying our planet. And it would certainly not be fit into our optimistic and cheerful campaign strategy for me to finish up here by throwing a host of unsavory descriptions aimed at Mr Cheney's character such as icky, rat-faced conservative swine or the modern-day Prince of Darkness or even a wicked, sinister, heartless, four-eyed cue ball.

Moderator: Thank you Mr Edwards. Mr Cheney you have the last word.

Cheney: Go f**k yourself, Edwards!

This one is good, too:

Dick Cheney Could Be President

Raleigh, NC - Shortly after Democratic Presidential candidate John Kerry's announcement of John Edwards as his choice for a running mate in the November election, President Bush fielded questions from reporters in Edwards' hometown.

When asked what differentiates Edwards from Vice-President Dick Cheney, Bush declared flatly, "Dick Cheney could be president. Next?"

But this widely broadcast sound-byte represents only a portion of the President's news conference. He actually went on to answer several more questions.

A transcript of the rest of Bush's interview has now been made public.

Question: "Many political analysts believe Kerry picked Edwards because their contrasting personalities and backgrounds would help balance the Democratic ticket. What is the biggest contrast between you and Vice-President Cheney?"

Bush: "Dick Cheney could be President. Next?"

Question: "Edwards' record as a lawyer shows he is strongly against corporate greed and corruption. Is there any way your administration could be more closely allied to executives under scrutiny for their questionable business practices?"

Bush: "Dick Cheney could be President. Next?"

Question: "Because of this administration's foreign policy failures, the United States is mistrusted and hated around the world now more than ever before. Terrorist threats at home and abroad are growing. If you're re-elected, what should the American public fear most?"

Bush: "Dick Cheney could be President. Next?"

Question: "Corporate profits and CEO salaries continue to skyrocket, but the average family has only seen their economic situation deteriorate. Could things possibly get any worse for the working class in this country?"

Bush: "Dick Cheney could be President."

Question: "There is speculation that the GOP might welcome a change on the Republican ticket. What, in your opinion, would please conservative right wing extremists more than anything else?"

Bush: "Dick Cheney could be President."

Posted by Mike at July 20, 2004 05:48 PM

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